Public Service Announcement: Trail Etiquette

The longer I run, the more I consider it my civic duty to issue this PSA. If you fall in any of the categories outlined below, please take heed.

Mr. I Have More Hair on My Body Than on My Head: Please wear a shirt. With your extra thick layer of fur, I realize that you are more susceptible to overheating, but there are many dry-fit shirts on the market that will keep you cool and keep the rest of us from wishing for a different view.

Mr. I Think I Can Pick Up the Ladies Although I’m Not a Runner: Just stop. Turn around and go home. You are not going to make any new love connections by “running” in your Michael Jordan high-tops while listening to Milli Vanilli on your Walkman. You might be able to get away with it at the gym, but out here, we take our sport seriously.

Mr. & Mrs. Isn’t My Baby Cute in the 4-foot Wide Jog Stroller: Yes, your baby is adorable. However, you are taking up the entire running path. I’m proud of your commitment to fitness, but you’re impeding the rest of us from completing our miles.

Mr. Today I Will Try Running for the First Time: Good for you! A word of caution: jeans aren’t the best choice for running attire. I’m sure you have already discovered this nugget of wisdom after experiencing some pretty nasty chafing, but nonetheless, go to your nearest Academy store and pick out some more practical running gear. You’ll be glad you did.

Bike Riders with Bad Attitudes: Try using your manners every once in a while. I assure you that all of us runners have not conspired together to make your bike ride an experience similar to Frogger. Please don’t expect us to run in a single file line. And for heaven’s sake, stop cursing at us. You’re in a public place!

Ms. I’m in My 20s and I’m So Cute: Yes, you are. You’re precious. You’re perky. You’re perfect. But you need to put on some more clothes, preferably those not containing any spandex. You are embarrassing your mother, and you’re going to cause an accident.

Mr. Flippy Floppy Running Shorts Man: Unless you’re an Olympic athlete, there is really no need to wear those revealing shorts. You may not realize how much of yourself that you are showing, but believe me, it’s too much. I assure you that selecting running shorts with a little more material will not slow you down.

Mr. I Need to Blow My Nose: Bring some tissues with you! Your nasal rockets are disgusting and that kind of repulsive behavior does not belong on a public running trail. Despite what you may think, you are not invisible.

So, dress appropriately. Use your manners. Do the right thing.

The more you know…