Public Service Announcement – For the Fellas

This public service announcement is being issued to males frequenting local running trails – either those who are running or those who are lingering. On behalf of all the ladies on the trails of north Texas and specifically, White Rock Lake, we respectfully request you take note of the warnings below and make the necessary corrections to your behavior, attire or both.

Mr. “Nature” Photographer: If you truly are a lover of nature and the beauty of the Texas landscape, then this is just a suggestion, but you might want to aim your camera at said scenery. I’m fairly certain that you are snapping photos of some of us lady runners. Please don’t; we are not looking or feeling our best. I’d hate for you to get hurt when we push you off the bench that you are pretending to use so that you can capture a shot of that lovely “tree branch.” You’ve been warned.

Creepy Old Running Men: Look – we’re thrilled that you’ve still got it. You are killin’ it on the trails, and your arteries are thanking you for your dedication to your cardiovascular routine. But here’s the deal – when my friends and I roll up to a water fountain, a simple “hi” or head nod is appropriate. Asking us multiple questions about our run and our next event, and then creeping up on us further down the trail is just not right. We’d hate for you to be the recipient of our pepper spray. I’m just sayin’…

Mr. Parks and Recreation Worker: First, let me thank you for your diligent work in keeping the lake and trail beautiful. You dutifully clean the accumulated trash, the fallen branches, and other assorted debris that litters our running path like confetti. I’m sure you’ve seen many interesting things in your day as a city employee – things of which you’d rather not speak. May I please make one suggestion? A belt. Or perhaps some tasteful suspenders that match your khaki green outfit. As you devotedly bend over to do your job, well, I see London, I see France, and I can see your underpants.

Mr. Calisthenics Man: Yes, you are a specimen of physical fitness. You can do push-ups and sit-ups like none other. The passion and vigor in which you perform your jumping jacks makes Jack LaLanne look like a mere amateur. And that other exercise you do while laying on your back with your feet in the air is, um, interesting. May I suggest that you do this in private? The grunting noises you make, along with your extremely loud breathing, are a little frightening. You are even scaring the ducks.

Mr. Spandex Shorts Shirtless Man: Obviously you did not take the advice I gave in my first PSA. Let me make this abundantly clear. Nobody wants nor needs to see you in all your glory. Although Spandex made its ubiquitous debut in the fashion world as well as on the stages at various metal band concerts in the 80’s, the fashion industry has irrefutably spoken about the use of it today: Spandex should be worn UNDER other clothing, not as a stand alone piece. Make your momma proud and put on a pair of shorts over your spandex business, and for heaven’s sake, wear a shirt!

The more you know . . .