Several years ago, I attempted to complete some of my week-day training runs outside very early in the morning before I began my day at school. After a particularly interesting encounter one morning, I was not able to continue that training routine.This training season, I am doing my week-day runs at the gym. Now, let me be very clear. Treadmills are evil. Necessary, but evil nonetheless. I much prefer the pavement, but with the triple-digit heat we experienced this summer, hitting the treadmill has been much safer for me than me literally hitting the pavement from heat exhaustion. So since I work out at my local gym twice a week at 5 a.m. and three times a week in the evenings, I have SEEN. IT. ALL. And as such, once again, I feel it is my civic duty to issue another Public Service Announcement for Gym Etiquette. I know none of these rules applies to my gym-going friends, but perhaps you have been a witness to or a victim of what I am about to describe…
Rule #1: Brush Your Teeth, People! I know this doesn’t sound like a rule specific to the confines of a gym, but here’s why this is so important. News flash, Under Armor Man…you are exhaling at a high rate of speed whilst your New Balance ensconced feet are flying across that treadmill, and just in case you didn’t notice, your aromatic respiration is reminiscent of a kitty litter box. And, excuse me, Ms. Lady Foot Locker, your coffee breath is anything but ladylike. In fact, I can hardly concentrate on my workout because of your incredibly foul dental exhaust. So please, people, consider brushing those choppers and maybe even popping a Tic Tac before stepping foot in any health-club establishment because believe you me, the best part of waking up is not being near you at the gym!
Rule #2: Hands-Off Please! I know many of you are thinking that I’m referring to my personal space issues, but I’m actually talking about the rails on the sides of a treadmill. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am not a fan of this particular exercise device. However, if you must use it, let’s make sure we are not hanging onto the sides of it so as to not fly off. If you find yourself gripping your treadmill like the first time your momma taught you how to ride an escalator, YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN TOO FAST. Do you see that speed setting? For goodness sake, bump it down. There is no shame in your game if you have to run a little slower than your goal because you are definitely making a spectacle of yourself the way you are trying to run right now.
Rule #3: Rain, Rain, Go Away! OK, Stair-Stepper Man, you are just killin’ it. I mean, you are tackling those electronic steps with such vigor and enthusiasm that I am certain you are going to make it to the top…wherever that may be. [cue “Gonna Fly Now” from Rocky] But here’s the deal…the bodily downpour that you are showering down upon me is unbelievably disgusting. I mean, really, Gene Kelly. How is it possible that you are unaware of the absurd amount of precipitation cascading from your perspiring stair-stepping body? Surely you should be able to see it since you are practically lying on top of your fake staircase. (Read the Hands Off rule above and please consider applying it to your exercise equipment.) Oh, and one more little hint…that single-ply, flimsy square of paper towel that you have so generously pulled from the dispenser is in no way sufficient for the sweat removal at the end of your workout. Don’t fool yourself, buddy; perhaps a shop-vac might do the trick.
Rule #4: You Are What You Wear! I realize that some people come to the gym to be seen…as evidenced by their fashion choices. And hey, I suppose, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. But please take your runway display far away from me. I really don’t need any distractions when my legs are trying to keep up with this abhorrent, revolving mechanical belt that I have been forced to use. (I experienced this first-hand just the other day when a cricket flew into my face and I nearly flew off of my treadmill in my attempt to protect myself from this exotic, poisonous, flesh-eating bug.) I am also convinced that some people come to the gym thinking they are invisible to those around them. For example, to the man wearing the t-shirt with the sleeves still attached but holes in the armpit area…dude, that is just not cool. I may be stating the obvious, but your shirt is too small. I know you probably think that by buying a shirt a size (or two) too small that your pecs will look bigger, an unexpected consequence is that the rest of us have been unwillingly subjected to those large holes underneath your arms. I hate to break it to you, Big Guy, but you look ridiculous. In fact, you’re making me laugh, and I can hardly breathe on this gerbil wheel I’m running on. So please do me and everyone else a favor: buy a shirt your size and try acting your age while you're at it. And here’s a helpful hint to those people who have joined the gym for the first time, denim might need to be saved for Casual Friday. Unfortunately you’ll discover this little nugget of knowledge the first time you take a shower after your Levi’s-inspired work-out when that sensation of lava burning your skin envelopes you. That is called chafing and can be avoided by wearing fabrics that are moisture-wicking. Along those same lines, medical scrubs, although I’m sure they are super comfy, should be saved for a hospital room, not a weight room. I’m not sure when they became fashionably appropriate for the gym, but let’s go ahead and stop that trend right now. Thanks a bunch!
Rule #5: Germs Make Me Sick! If you know me, you know that I can be a little OCD about a lot of things. I like things to be organized, alphabetical, numerical, straight, color-coded, and matchy-matchy. I like to have a place for everything and everything to be in its place, and I relish in being routine-oriented. I know I can be difficult, and I try not to expose other people to my OCD tendencies. But there is one thing that I cannot let slide…the proper reduction of the transmittal of germs! And friends, we have come so far! We (the collective public) have learned how to sneeze into our sleeves, prop doors open with our elbows, and use anti-bacterial gel if soap and water are not available. Now, don’t get me wrong. I grew up hanging out with my brother and all of his friends where we would drink straight from the garden hose and “wash” our hands by rubbing them together in dirt. And we survived. But when it comes to sweating at the gym, there’s just something about seeing someone grab a paper towel, wipe his face, neck, and arms all over, and then, [I’m having to take some deep breaths here as I write this], and then, WIPE DOWN THE EQUIPMENT he just used with the SAME PAPER TOWEL. Folks, that is just beyond wrong. Your sweat, albeit wet, does NOT count as an antibacterial agent. While I’m appreciative of your effort, I’m thoroughly disgusted and have marked down the gym equipment you have used in my spy notebook thusly noting NEVER to use it without a proper scrub down.
Rule #2: Hands-Off Please! I know many of you are thinking that I’m referring to my personal space issues, but I’m actually talking about the rails on the sides of a treadmill. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I am not a fan of this particular exercise device. However, if you must use it, let’s make sure we are not hanging onto the sides of it so as to not fly off. If you find yourself gripping your treadmill like the first time your momma taught you how to ride an escalator, YOU ARE TRYING TO RUN TOO FAST. Do you see that speed setting? For goodness sake, bump it down. There is no shame in your game if you have to run a little slower than your goal because you are definitely making a spectacle of yourself the way you are trying to run right now.
Rule #3: Rain, Rain, Go Away! OK, Stair-Stepper Man, you are just killin’ it. I mean, you are tackling those electronic steps with such vigor and enthusiasm that I am certain you are going to make it to the top…wherever that may be. [cue “Gonna Fly Now” from Rocky] But here’s the deal…the bodily downpour that you are showering down upon me is unbelievably disgusting. I mean, really, Gene Kelly. How is it possible that you are unaware of the absurd amount of precipitation cascading from your perspiring stair-stepping body? Surely you should be able to see it since you are practically lying on top of your fake staircase. (Read the Hands Off rule above and please consider applying it to your exercise equipment.) Oh, and one more little hint…that single-ply, flimsy square of paper towel that you have so generously pulled from the dispenser is in no way sufficient for the sweat removal at the end of your workout. Don’t fool yourself, buddy; perhaps a shop-vac might do the trick.
Rule #4: You Are What You Wear! I realize that some people come to the gym to be seen…as evidenced by their fashion choices. And hey, I suppose, if you’ve got it, flaunt it. But please take your runway display far away from me. I really don’t need any distractions when my legs are trying to keep up with this abhorrent, revolving mechanical belt that I have been forced to use. (I experienced this first-hand just the other day when a cricket flew into my face and I nearly flew off of my treadmill in my attempt to protect myself from this exotic, poisonous, flesh-eating bug.) I am also convinced that some people come to the gym thinking they are invisible to those around them. For example, to the man wearing the t-shirt with the sleeves still attached but holes in the armpit area…dude, that is just not cool. I may be stating the obvious, but your shirt is too small. I know you probably think that by buying a shirt a size (or two) too small that your pecs will look bigger, an unexpected consequence is that the rest of us have been unwillingly subjected to those large holes underneath your arms. I hate to break it to you, Big Guy, but you look ridiculous. In fact, you’re making me laugh, and I can hardly breathe on this gerbil wheel I’m running on. So please do me and everyone else a favor: buy a shirt your size and try acting your age while you're at it. And here’s a helpful hint to those people who have joined the gym for the first time, denim might need to be saved for Casual Friday. Unfortunately you’ll discover this little nugget of knowledge the first time you take a shower after your Levi’s-inspired work-out when that sensation of lava burning your skin envelopes you. That is called chafing and can be avoided by wearing fabrics that are moisture-wicking. Along those same lines, medical scrubs, although I’m sure they are super comfy, should be saved for a hospital room, not a weight room. I’m not sure when they became fashionably appropriate for the gym, but let’s go ahead and stop that trend right now. Thanks a bunch!
Rule #5: Germs Make Me Sick! If you know me, you know that I can be a little OCD about a lot of things. I like things to be organized, alphabetical, numerical, straight, color-coded, and matchy-matchy. I like to have a place for everything and everything to be in its place, and I relish in being routine-oriented. I know I can be difficult, and I try not to expose other people to my OCD tendencies. But there is one thing that I cannot let slide…the proper reduction of the transmittal of germs! And friends, we have come so far! We (the collective public) have learned how to sneeze into our sleeves, prop doors open with our elbows, and use anti-bacterial gel if soap and water are not available. Now, don’t get me wrong. I grew up hanging out with my brother and all of his friends where we would drink straight from the garden hose and “wash” our hands by rubbing them together in dirt. And we survived. But when it comes to sweating at the gym, there’s just something about seeing someone grab a paper towel, wipe his face, neck, and arms all over, and then, [I’m having to take some deep breaths here as I write this], and then, WIPE DOWN THE EQUIPMENT he just used with the SAME PAPER TOWEL. Folks, that is just beyond wrong. Your sweat, albeit wet, does NOT count as an antibacterial agent. While I’m appreciative of your effort, I’m thoroughly disgusted and have marked down the gym equipment you have used in my spy notebook thusly noting NEVER to use it without a proper scrub down.
Well, Sports Fans, that's it. I'm sure there are more rules we could add to this list, but those are the ones that I see over and over again. So play nicely if you go the gym!
Of course, this is just for giggles. Something to make us laugh. And sometimes, we all just need to take a little time to do just that.
Thank you for continuing to support my training. All is going well. I'm holding up ok, and I'm having a great time running with my buddies, Kirsa, Keith and Jessica. Many of you have asked about Bennett, Kirsa and Keith's son, who is battling leukemia. He has started his second protocol, the toughest one, and although this treatment cycle has some pretty nasty side-effects, Bennett is staying tough. I was able to meet him a couple of weeks ago, and it's hard to imagine that this cute little guy is sick.
 |
| Kirsa, Keith, Bennett and me at White Rock Lake |
Thank you all for your prayers for Bennett, his parents, and his sisters, Ava and Ellie. They are an amazing family, and I've been blessed to get to know them over the past couple of months. I want to leave you with just one more picture of sweet Bennett. When you feel overwhelmed, just remember this little guy's joy, and just keep on keepin' on...Go God! Go Team! Go Bennett!
 |
| Joyful Bennett |
No comments:
Post a Comment